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There has always been this, there will always be this. And sometimes it seems there will only be this.
I can hide this, disguise this, suppress or subdue this, pretend to the world that I'm not dealing with this.
But some days, this is all there is, and it sits like a boulder on top of my chest when all that I want is to take a deep breath but the breathing won't come and the rock is still there and I'm losing my focus and fighting for air and I can't help the feeling that this?
Is unfair.
_______________________________
It would be a lie to say that everything is fine, but everything is also not awful. I am at a very low point right now, but there is good news: I know that it will pass. I will get through the low, and I will feel "normal" again. I do not at all believe that things will always be this way; I know things will get better. Until they do, I will wait. But I will not wait silently.
When I wait silently, I begin to crumble, slowly, from the inside out. The weight of the silence becomes too much and my soul feels crushed beneath it. Is it so wrong, then, to share a burden? Is it wrong for students to know that their teachers hurt sometimes, that we struggle with our brokenness, that we do not, in the school of life, have all the answers? I think not. I hope not. And if it is, perhaps, in this case, I am perfectly willing to be wrong.
This is the burden I carry, day by day. It is heavy, but heavy burdens, when shared, feel bearable.
Thank you for sharing mine.
Seems like you are at your all time nadir, contrary to what you previously wrote in a vocabulary packet defining the term.
ReplyDeleteNo, at my all-time nadir, I truly believed it would NEVER get better. Now I know that it will, and that keeps me at peace.
ReplyDeleteSharing your burden gives those of us on the outside a focus for prayer. It also serves as a reminder that a simple smile or kind word can help ore than we know. We teachers are expected to have all the answers and none of the cares and worries. We quietly carry our burdens and take on the burdens of our students' struggles. But we are human and deserve to be open with what "ails" us. You are a terrific lady and a fantastic teacher who has touched hundreds of lives in a positive way. Things WILL get better! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, Miss Doyle.
ReplyDeleteblah depression :(
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you. You are much loved and adored by so many of your students, including me. I really did love and enjoy your english class last year, and I miss it very much. Hang in there! God is strong in our weakness and gives us hope when we are hopeless. Love you very much, and I pray this doesn't last much longer!
ReplyDeleteAnna Moreno
Your willingness to share is brave and it's a blessing. Thanks for being real!
ReplyDeleteI agree this is really brave. I can't fully imagine how you feel, but I know it's awful. I hope you continue to be encouraged by those in your life, and your bloggy friends! Praying for you, Miss Doyle.
ReplyDeleteperfectly priya
Miss Doyle, depression is awful. I've had a few bouts of it. Things DO get better and you will be able to laugh about this in the future. I've been able to. I'm praying for you as well. Thanks for being a great English teacher.
ReplyDelete